Written by: Richelle Henry
I remember staring at the shadow of his figure moving from the bed and out of the bedroom door. All I could do was lay there and wonder, “how did I get I here?” How in the world did my good ol’ Christian self, end up in this man’s bed? I should have gone home! I should have told him no! I should have left when he told me to! But…I stayed. I stayed out of brokenness. I stayed out of loneliness. I stayed out of desperation. I just wanted to be held. I wanted to feel important. I wanted to feel wanted.
I can remember this day and many others like it, like they all occurred yesterday. The feelings of pseudo-comfort, shame, disgust, disappointment, and guilt are what I recall the most. It seems that the soul screams the loudest in those, “You KNEW better” scenarios. I mean, I’ve heard of boundaries. I’ve been saved all of my life. I remember the strict “courtship” rules of no phone calls after 9pm and even going on group dates. But, that advice didn’t work for me. I still made the decision to act upon a desire that left me feeling unredeemable and ultimately separated from God.
You’re probably asking yourself as I did in the moments stated above–Where do I go from here? Do I mourn and grieve over the fact that I knew better and still chose to disobey? I knew the scripture that said I should flee from sexual immorality (See 1 Corinthians 6:18)—but my wounded heart had me making strides towards it instead. Do I run back and keep engaging in the act because, “hey, I already fell? I already have to repent.” Or do I get out of this bed, go before the Lord and be as totally transparent as possible in total confidence that He will hear me and answer?
I suggest that you choose the latter of all these options.
I know that you’re probably feeling really disappointed in yourself. The last time was supposed to be the last time—right? I hear you and can feel the shame that you’re probably carrying. But let me encourage you with this—the Father loves you and longs to restore you. When you think of the word restoration, what comes to mind? Repairing? Making whole? Well, the word “restore” means to bring something back to its original condition due to its current condition being either disfigured, used, or altered. Don’t you know that the Lord can bring you back to the version He intended on you becoming—before you fell. But you must be open and completely transparent with Him throughout the process. You’re probably asking, “what is there to be honest about? He’s God. He should know!” Yes, you’re correct. However—the transparency isn’t for God—it’s for you. It’s for you to become aware of the roots, reasons, and decisions along the way that may have caused you to fall. Transparency heightens your awareness so that you can better assess your heart and the manner in which it responds to crisis, traumas, setbacks, and even temptations.
Let’s start here. Why did you fall? What caused you to make the decision to engage in another one-night stand, “friend with benefits,” or engage in another “we’ll repent about this later..” moment? Your reasons are bigger than just wanting to feel good. While that may be some of the reason, remember that even pleasure has a motive. I repeat—pleasure ALWAYS has a motive. Find out what may have triggered you. What were you thinking of when you made the decision? Was it a bad day? A moment where thoughts of low self-esteem were clouding your mind? Were you wanting to feel valued or appreciated? Struggling with issues of rejection? Feeling unwanted? Loneliness? Regardless of what your reason was, remember that in these moments, it was your soul crying out for Christ, not just your body longing to be touched.
You see, when we talk about sexual sin—it’s so much bigger than a moment—it’s a decision. It’s a decision that places sexual pleasure and the like on a pedestal of “better,” over Christ’s ability to truly fulfill. Christ and Christ alone satisfies (See Psalm 62:1). He’s the only one that can come and drown loneliness, rejection, abandonment, insecurity, low self-esteem, hurt, or sadness with the currents of His love. When we make the decision to tread in the waters of sexual sin—we run the risk of drowning in that which we are meant to rise above—the snares and traps of sin. But with Christ and in Christ, you are well-equipped to deal with sexual sin—because He’s already overcome it (See 1 Corinthians 15:56-57)
Choose today to hit ignore, cancel that standing appointment on Friday night, and make a new decision. Make the decision to be completely open before the Lord and ask Him to fill you. Go to Him in confidence that He will cleanse you (See Psalm 51:2), empower you to resist temptation (See 1 Corinthians 10:13), and will ultimately fill and satisfy the voids within you (See Psalm 107:9).
“Come back to me, you wayward people. I want to cure your waywardness. Say, ‘Here we are. We come to you because you are the LORD our God.”- Jeremiah 3:22
His embrace and love alone can fill those longings—not another. Run to Him, instead.
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