I can still remember the very day I received the call: “Krystal you need to come home, your mother passed away”
I quickly gathered up my things at work and without looking anyone in the face, rushed to my car, got in and turned the car on. I still didn’t know what to think. I picked up the phone and called the father of my child and asked him to meet me at my house.
When I arrived I saw my mother lying there lifeless. No more breath in her. I climbed into the bed and that’s when everything inside came out. I just cried.
In the days leading up to my mother’s death, I wasn’t around much. I would leave the house every chance I got. Partly because I couldn’t stand to see her in that condition. I can even remember, just a few days before she was taken to the hospital because she was not responding and we were told that it could be any day now. It was hardest thing I was ever told. Even then, I still managed to keep it together and not say a word.
Give your mom a kiss they said, this could be the last day you see her.
With my newborn in my hand, I gave my mom a kiss. I didn’t know God back then and even if I did, me selfishly asking for more time wasn’t going to be granted. My mom was suffering and that was no way to have her live.
I just remember feeling like she gave up. I felt like maybe all my time away from home-made her feel like I didn’t need her anymore. I started to feel guilty and I blamed myself. That’s when the enemy began using my feelings against me. He would always say, you killed your mother. If you were around your mother would still be alive. His lies went on for many years.
See back then I didn’t know what I know today, I just thought it was myself thinking those things but today I know it was the enemy.
See he likes to wait until you’re vulnerable then he strikes. He doesn’t play fair. At any cost he wants to keep you from knowing the truth. And the truth was I wasn’t to blame for my mother’s death and she didn’t just give up. The Lord ways are far above my ways and for reasons that I may not ever understand, He decided that her time here on earth was up.
I didn’t need to blame myself.
Listen, I don’t know what you’re going through. I don’t know if you’re in a situation where you’ve been blaming yourself for something happening and you’re feeling guilty but, I just want to let you know that it’s okay to forgive yourself and it’s okay to ask God to forgive you as well.
He doesn’t want you living in bondage, He longs to free you from that tormented hell you’ve been living in. He wants to hug you, He wants to love on you. He wants to silence the whispering of the enemy in your ears.
I had to forgive myself for hating my mom for leaving me. I had to forgive myself for not being as present as I could have been during the time she was sick. And once I forgave myself, I asked God to forgive me and I even asked my mother for forgiveness. Know that when God says you’ve been forgiven, that’s the end of that misery. The devil no longer has any power over you or that situation.
So I encourage you today to forgive yourself and forgive others as well……
I would love to pray for you. If you have lost someone and you don’t know how to deal with the pain you feel and you’ve been blaming yourself, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org I would love to talk to you and I will gladly pray for you.