Written by: Brittany Jenkins
I remember the days daddy came home in a bad mood. I remember looking at his face and knowing when it was going to be a bad day. I remember walking on egg shells afraid to make him mad. I remember the little blue Dodgers baseball bat that he used to use & trust me, it wasn’t for baseball. I remember her screams. I remember hearing her thuds against the bedroom walls. I remember seeing her cry.
I remember repeating to myself that I WOULD NEVER ALLOW A MAN TO PUT HIS HANDS ON ME.
Sigh. And then…
I can still remember the fight we had in my dorm room. He got mad and though I can’t remember why, I distinctly remember him throwing my laptop on the living room floor and the fight ensued. He threw a punch, I threw a lamp- ALL in self-defense. I remember the time he pulled the knife out on me. After that, he choked me… all while his mother was upstairs in her bedroom.
I remember the rules, him checking my phone, his control, my fears. I remember when he cursed me out, and called me every name but mine. I remember the day we stood out in front of the science building on our college campus and he distinctly told me: “Brittany, the reason why I do what I do to you is because you let me.” Just as proud and as confident as he could be.
“….I let him.” Those 3 words rang in my mind but even more so in my heart for years to come. THEY STILL DO.
The truth was- he was absolutely correct. I’ve often heard that the giants you don’t slay, your children will one day have to face. That’s what happened. Though I muttered that I wouldn’t be my mother, YEARS later I found myself just like her. I don’t know how I ended up in that place. I never saw it coming. I don’t remember seeing any warning signs. Dude was a charmer. We got along great. To me, it just happened. But the truth is, nothing JUST HAPPENS. There was a seed planted in me long ago that I never knew was being rooted. Then one day it just sprouted.
I accepted the abuse because I saw the abuse being accepted.
I was so in love and was somehow conditioned to think that this was what love was but I was so wrong. I was caught in a generational cycle. I didn’t know it then, but I know it now. As a grown adult, I often look back to that dark 4 year period in my life. I’m reminded of just how easy it was to get caught. CYCLES ARE REAL! Don’t think that just because you tell yourself that you won’t become something that’s all it takes. The enemy has watched you. He’s crafty. He specializes in details. He knows just who to use and how to use them in order to keep you stuck.
We often times hate our single season because its boring, its lonely, its blah blah blah. However, THIS is the season that God has intentionally set aside for you to deal with the seeds that were planted in YOUR life. Think about it- when you put a seed in the ground and bury it with dirt, you can no longer see the seed. You’ll only see it once the plant begins to grow. My parents unintentionally planted the seeds, the enemy watered it, and I saw the plant in that abusive relationship.
My children will never face what I faced. They’ll never know what it means to be abused physically, emotionally or verbally. Why? Because I CHOOSE to break the cycle.
This may not be your exact story, but I’m SURE you have something you can relate it to. There’s no better time than the present to detoxify your heart and rid yourself of the toxins that has plagued your bloodline. You’re not alone, GOD wants to help you!
Ready, set, go…..